Give him a hand! Oh wait, I guess he doesn’t need one.
Image: reduced-sized crop from AFP
It’s time for bluff the reader! To those at Wait, Wait…Don’t Tell Me!, all we can say is that a pale imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. One of these wine news items is true, the others are false. Hit the comments with the right answer!
A) The partying in the Olympic village is almost as legendary as the events on the field; US goalkeeper Hope Solo spilled the beans that “There’s a lot of sex going on,” guesstimating that about three quarters of the athletes at the Beijing Olympics passed more than the baton. Even though some athletes didn’t need any extra stimulation, one athlete told ESPN that he kept his performances entirely for the pool last time around out of shyness but his attitude changed for carnal encounters in London: “But now I’m a big man. So I can try. I will try.” Although the the media were not officially allowed in to the village, where over 10,000 athletes spent the Games packed into 3,000 apartments, word leaked out about the organizers’ extraordinary hospitality: In order to boost the goodwill at the Games, organizers distributed 150,000 condoms as well as 10,000 corkscrews. A mixed case of wine was in each apartment with a ribbon and a card saying “good luck” in 25 languages. The Games received much praise from the participants and the organizers underscored Team GB’s outstanding performance with 29 gold medals; Sebastian Coe highlighted the Britons’ spirit of generosity.
B) Hugh Johnson, OBE, horticulturist and dean of Britain’s wine writing, recently joined Twitter. The format may be ideally suited to the long-time writer, author of Hugh Johnson’s Pocket Wine Book, an annual volume that contains brief wine reviews, sometimes even short enough to fit within Twitter’s 140 character limit. In a discussion of his reviews, Johnson let slip that he includes about a dozen reviews of totally fake wines in each volume. He invents a few winery names every year, appends bogus tasting notes, and waits for readers to contact him about where to find the wine. However, to date, nobody has ever done so.
C) There’s a famous scene in Real Housewives of New Jersey where a table gets overturned in anger, spilling the contents on the floor. Rather than cry over this spilled meal, the table’s flipper, Teresa Giudice, has decided to turn the TV lemons into a lemonade of her own: a product that removes red wine stains. Finding the celebrity wine market to be too crowded, a press release boasts that she now has the celerity wine stain removal market all to herself. Based on generations of accumulated housewife knowledge that pouring white wine on top of spilled red wine is the best stain remover, Giudice worked with wine entrepreneur Cameron Hughes to find some bulk white wine. They have labled the product “Lot 86,” a term Giudice says she chose to honor her restaurant days. “God knows we all spill a little f–king Merlot from time to time!” she said in an demonstration on The Ellen Degeneres Show. “Pay attention! Just pour on a bottle of this Lot 86 and the stains are gone. 86 red wine stains!”
I am drinking a crappy Mexican beer.
There, I said it. Cast your Chateauneuf stones at me and throw me out of the wine temple if you must! But it is a sunny 75 degrees and I just got back from a rigorous morning of making sand castles on the beach.
So here’s something for you to puzzle over the grill: why can crappy beer be so refreshing while crappy wine is always so…horrible. The carbonation? The lower alcohol? The chill factor? Have your say in the comments. And happy Memorial Day weekend!
A couple of weeks ago, a 7′ 1″ 325(+)-lb. graduate donned a cap and gown: Shaquille O’Neal earned a doctorate in education. The former NBA star, who left LSU early but finished his bachelor’s degree nearly a decade later because he wanted to make his mom proud, just completed four and a half years of courses and study at Barry University. His thesis studied the role of humor in the workplace and leadership.
Dr. Vino gives a doff of the academic cap to Dr. Shaq Diesel. Now all I have to do to keep up is score 28,596 points in the NBA. Well, what the heck: I raise a glass of wine in his honor and I’ll rate the 28,596 points! To Dr. Shaqtus, Dr. Shamroq, here’s a glass of grower Champagne from Bereche et Fils, their Beaux Regards, a stony, zero-dosage all-chardonnay bubbly. It’s laser-like, which is the kind of focus you need to do a doctorate while also playing in the NBA, doing commercials, offering commentary on TNT, serving as a reserve police officer, being a dad five times over. Nice going Big Daddy! Read more…
This is certainly a bravura performance. But, sheesh, couldn’t she use a Laguiole to open the wine?!?
Can’t wait to see this as a grande finale in the Master Sommelier exam!
DrVino: Michel Rolland has an autobiography coming out? A magnum oakus, surely.
CraigCamp: hear the Oxygen network picked up the rights and will turn it into a micro-series
Wink Lorch: Bet it will appear late
OlivierLandry: A very ripe comment on your part, good sir. #RollandPuns …I think we’ve extracted everything we could out of this…
@JosiahBaldivino: He taught Jesus how to turn water into wine.
@DrVino: He doesn’t decant because sediment is afraid to come out of the bottle.
@alpanasingh: He is a She
@ganzer_wein: (s)he routinely sells wines for $5000 a pop from the DRC…democratic republic of Congo
@JeremySeysses: He decided not to have his own label.