Bush-Kerry 2004: election guide for wine lovers

Despite the proliferation of special interest groups in US politics over the past few decades, one group that has been sadly underrepresented is wine enthusiasts! With all the politicians pandering to Joe Sixpack, how about some kissing up to John Halfacase?! To aid our cause, I have constructed a table on the key issues for wine lovers with a blend of mostly old-vine seriousness (60%) as well as a bit of hand-crafted humor (40%). On November 2, the choice is yours!
Bush Kerry Wine lovers’ choice
Wine preference Teetotaler Presumably French Kerry
Approach to trade Protects domestic industries through selective tariffs Free trader Kerry
Approach to dollar Past four years, decline. Helps sell more Gallo to unsuspecting
Presumably reinstate some form of Rubinomics, strong dollar,
cheaper imports
Approach to interstate shipping of wine Dazed and confused For it Kerry
Doing what after college Swift bottle Swift boat Tie
In-laws Brother-in-law head of Wine Institute Heinz family Tie
Color on electoral map Red Blue (Liebfraumilch?!) Bush
Will win wine producing states California, Washington, Oregon
and NY
No Yes Kerry
Wine to go with candidate’s public image Big, bold Aussie shiraz Subtle white Burgundy Tie
Iraq war coalition countries through wine-colored glasses UK, beer; Australia, shiraz; Italy Barolos and Barbarescos Presumably would add France, Germany; Spain? Kerry
Alternative bottle closures, such as screwcaps Prefers it the old fashioned way, with cork Will take any alternative Kerry
View on potential “No Wine Left Behind Act” Would sign into law but only if it leaves all wine behind Would vote for it but then against the funding Tie
View on terroir Must stamp out terroir wherever we find it Bring it on! Kerry
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